Geralin

I really need to develop a cloning machine so I can do all the things I want to do.

I’m currently so addicted to Dragon Age that I find myself playing until three in the morning. I’ve had to force myself to work on Alayne’s Story and The Unexiled instead of sitting at my computer playing Dragon Age.

It’s that good. 🙂

Still, I am still writing, taking some advantage of my forced vacation to get some work done. I also need to kick my husband out of the apartment for a day to get some serious cleaning done. But, between Dragon Age, WoW, writing, and reading, I’ve not had much time to update this blog. So, I’ll take a moment to let you know that I had a good Christmas. I’m not looking forward to the beginning of January, though. My brother was born in early January and this will be the first birthday with him gone.

I miss him a lot. I wish there were some way to bring him back. I hate being the only one left. I feel like all the expectations my parents had for him are now on my shoulders and I don’t know that I can live up to all that. Hell, it’s been tough enough living up to just what they expected out of me. Now that he’s gone, I’ve got a whole different set of ideals and responsibilities to live up to. As if his slacking off when we were younger, forcing me to do all the chores so we both wouldn’t get in trouble wasn’t enough…thanks, Jerry. I really and totally needed this. Truly. ><
His ass is so kicked when I get up there. He and I had a good system worked out to take care of our parents. He wanted to stay in Mississippi and I wanted to never see the place (aside from the occasional visit) again. He was content there. I was a star-peg in a square hole. After I pretty much ran off and got married (and ran off to France of all places), found my dream job, and set up a pretty good life for myself, Jerry and I said that he would stay in the South and take actual care of our parents when they got old and I would do what I could from a distance. I would send money (God knows I make enough of it at my fairly awesome job). I could lend moral support. I could come for a visit and bring exotic gifts and stories that my mother would listen to politely without understanding but that Jerry would get and would laugh about.

And now, that’s not going to work. My folks have always been wanting me to at least move back to the States. I’m willing to, as long as it’s some place like California or Texas or some place that is NOT a repeat of where I left. But, I’m starting to wonder if that would be good enough for them. Mom has definite ideas of what she wants and no matter how many times I try to explain to her that it’s not what I want, she doesn’t really listen. Dad does but she doesn’t.

Why oh why did this all have to happen? And why oh why can’t I just go smack the shit out of those responsible for it? It’s hard enough for me to stay still when my inclination is to run off again, to vanish for a while, start a new life, and try very hard not to remember the past. But, I’m married now. That trick won’t work. And, I can’t get much further away than I have already. The moon, perhaps…

I’ve always gone through life like a bit of a tumbleweed. I don’t put down roots. I don’t get attached. I don’t let very damned many people get to know the real me. I’m fine like that. I’m safer that way. Hell, I’m happier that way. But now…now I feel like I have no choice. I’ll have to put down those roots. I’ll have to try to let people at least think they know me. I’ll have to fake a closeness I won’t feel and an open-ness that isn’t true. At least, until it drives me crazy and I gnaw my leg off to escape the trap I can feel closing down on me.

Well, enough whining out of me. Back to working on these stories and then playing Dragon Age or WoW.